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So You've Got a Jealousy Problem
by Susie and Otto Collins, Relationship Coaches
Jealousy can be a serious problem in many people's lives and can certainly be one of the main causes of relationship break-ups. One thing that we know for sure is that it doesn't go away unless you decide that it's time to heal it.
One of the most important keys to healing jealous behaviour is to choose to deal with your feelings. You can't deny or hide your emotions of anger fear or rage. You must confront those feelings to have healthy relationships.
Jealousy is a wake-up call. We suggest that you deal with that wake-up call in a positive way instead of letting your fears get the best of you. If you have this problem, know that many people like you have healed and eliminated those feelings from their lives--and you can too.
Here are a few tips to help you heal your jealous behaviour and stop jealousy:
1. Take some time and get in touch with what you are feeling. Stop what you are doing when those jealous feelings come up and just sit and allow them to surface without judging them and without lashing out at someone else. Whether there is any truth to what you are feeling or not, allow your feelings to be there; you might find that underneath is anger and underneath the anger is fear.
So you might ask yourself--"What am I really angry about?" or "What am I really fearful will happen?" Be with the answer that comes to you. Feel it and know that whether there is truth to those feelings or not, just allow themto be. If you sit long enough with jealousy, you'll probably find that your anger and fear may lessen in intensity and perhaps even melt away. Know that you can choose your emotion in any moment and you can choose to not be jealous.
2. If you are having suspicions, they may be true or you making up untrue stories when jealous feelings come up for you. Decide which is the case in your situation.
3. Look at the stories you tell yourself which my or my not have any basis of truth. They may simply be coming from experiences of your past. No matter what's true and what isn't true, see the situation for what it really is--what is actually happening in this present moment that is real.
4. Have the courage to face whatever is true. If there is truth to what you fear is happening, then create a plan to confront the problem with honesty. If the actions that you fear are actually happening, both you and your partner need to seek a change in your behaviour. If either of you change or seem to change but really don't, then you may need to decide if want to continue your relationship.
It's certainly good to not rush into a separation but it's also good to begin making agreements about how you both are willing to change your relationship for the better.
If there is no truth to your fears, then commit to yourself to change the "story" in your mind when those fears come up. At those times, remind yourself that you it's not the real truth. If you know that you are "reliving" or making up stories, realize they may be untrue. You can then decide whether to change your beliefs and/or how to react.
Move toward healing because jealousy doesn't go away until you deal with the issues. You can't blame others for what's happening in your life if you want to heal jealous behaviour. You have to be committed to changing yourself.
Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins, authors of "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More Jealousy" are experts at helping people get more of the love they really want.
Visit www.jealousnomore.com for more information
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